Divorce Day

How I’m spending my first day as a divorcée, and the moment a Dutch word blew my mind.

Onward. Me, during a hike in Azerbaijan.

In therapy in California last year, session after session, one word kept springing to my mind. Unhelpfully, it was in Dutch.

“Wegcijferen.”

My therapist gave a look of calm bemusement. “Can you tell me what that is in English?”

I had to google translate it. The word that came up was only vaguely familiar.

“Efface.”

He nodded sagely. “Ah. That’s what you feel like you’ve been doing? To yourself?”

I nodded and looked down, both aghast and ashamed.

Efface.

Verb.

To erase or obliterate. From the old French esfacier, to wipe out, destroy. Literally “to remove the face.”

Eventually, I realized the wegcijfering would never end. I could never wegcijfer myself enough to make things work. And it was slowly killing my soul. So, I left, the country and the marriage, not even 16 months after our wedding vows were exchanged.

Today, 11 months after departing California on a flight to Amsterdam, my divorce was finalized. I’ve been looking forward to this moment. Naturally, there are mixed feelings. Plenty of freedom…